Chapter 7 – Gentleness
Death… Something we are all afraid of. I believe that fear is built into us for a reason. If we knew how wonderful heaven was, we would all want to off ourselves to get there sooner. I also believe that God is the gentlest in this process and uses it to draw us nearer to Him.
A very dear friend of mine who is a nun told me after my Father passed that God takes all souls at their most opportune time of salvation. I found that extremely profound and comforting. Somehow that made sense of everything to me. Every car accident, illness, tragedy… even involving children are blessings if you truly believe they are going home to be with their loving Father. We will of course grieve because we miss them in this life, but we will be reunited with them. I believe that with all of my heart because of these experiences.
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Hardy was my grandfather and a tough old cowboy. I don’t know why I didn’t call him grandpa, I just always called him Hardy. Same with my grandmother, Dorothy. Hardy did a little bit of everything, but he always had horses and loved them. I remember riding when I was very young.
He was the first person that died in my life that I loved dearly. I was about 8 years old
He had a stroke and was able to get around after, but he couldn’t move one of his arms and couldn’t chew anything. I can remember my mom putting entire steak dinners into a blender for him. As was her nature as a caretaker, she had brought him home to take care of him.
After the stroke, he would moan and call out for my mom (Flora Mae) all night which drove us all crazy. One night my mom completely lost it. My sister had just had a baby and was staying with us. He was being particularly loud and persistent with calling for her. My mom tried to quiet him several times to no avail.
My sister and I awoke to Hardy being tied up in a sheet on the recliner in the living room with a bandana in his mouth. My mom was giving it to him about how he was going to stay there all night if he couldn’t be quiet because he was waking up the baby. She didn’t tie it tight because his skin was thin, and she didn’t want to hurt him. She just wanted him to quit yelling!
He immediately got loose and yelled in her face “Flora Mae”. She really lost it then! My sister and I quickly announced that we were up and went down and helped calm the situation.
Later in my life I took care of both my father and mother after strokes. God used this experience to prepare me for taking care of them. He gave me peace about losing it on them sometimes. I knew and had learned that it was forgivable to lose your patience, and it happens to everyone…. He uses every little thing to teach us. Especially the hard stuff.
All of a sudden, a few months before Hardy died, he suddenly quit moaning and yelling for my mom. She asked him why and he told us that an angel had come to him and told him that God wasn’t going to take him until he was ready. And, that he could be at peace and go to sleep and not worry. Turned out he was afraid to die. All of that moaning and yelling was to keep himself awake because he was afraid that he would die in his sleep. How gentle He is with us…
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God was close to me when He took my father for a very long time because I think he knew how devastating it was going to be… not just on me but our whole family. My father had a personality that just filled up the room. He made everyone feel like they were his best friend whether you were a politician (which he was for most of his life) or the guy that changed his oil.
I remember at his funeral one of the biggest bouquets of flowers was from the Jiffy Lube where he had gotten oil changes for about forty years. I remember being struck that those flowers really summed up his character. That the guys that changed his oil loved him because he would talk to them and relate to them as a friend. He was their friend, and he was to everyone he met. I was so proud of that and proud to be his daughter.
My dad had gone to the Houston area to play in a golf tournament with my brother. I think I had just graduated college at the time. As they pulled up to the course, my father started having a heart attack. The golf course was fairly remote and thinking fast my brother just threw him back in the car and started driving back to Houston to the Methodist Hospital. That hospital was widely known as cutting edge when it came to their cardiac center.
There were two ways to get there, one of which involved a tunnel. My brother came to the stop light where he had to make a decision on which way to go. My dad was having trouble breathing at this point and my brother was panicking. Two older ladies walked up to the car, knocked on his window and asked him if he needed help.
I mean really when does this happen that two strangers knock on your window and ask if you need help. Much less old ladies. I truly believe they were angels sent by God. He told them about dad and that he wasn’t sure whether he should take the tunnel. They told him that he could, and it might be faster (which he knew) but often there were accidents in there and he could be stuck for hours, which dad would definitely not survive. So, they recommended that he go around, which he did.
Now there were a couple of miracles here.
When he got to the hospital, they immediately gave him a new shot that had just been approved by the FDA. There were literally only like three hospitals that had this available in the world. It was a new type of blood thinner which worked really fast and could buy someone having a heart attack some time. What are the odds that my father was playing in a golf tournament in Houston when he had his heart attack and has access to this kind of cutting-edge technology in cardiac care.
That evening we all got to the hospital from Austin and my brother was telling us his crazy story about the ladies and the tunnel. A nurse overheard this and asked if we had seen the news. Apparently, there was an accident in the tunnel at that time and my brother would have been stuck there for several hours. Later, the doctor confirmed that my dad had about 20 minutes to live when they arrived. Not only would he not have made it through the tunnel. But had he gone to any other hospital, he would have died because they didn’t have access to that shot.
He had a successful surgery and was able to live another 20 years because of these miracles.
Fast forward about 20 years…
I had only been married about a year and was living in Dallas when my father had his stroke. It was horrible and catastrophic. He was basically in a coma for about a week.
During that time, we had to make a decision on whether or not to put a feeding tube in him to survive. He had not left any advance directives so we did not know what his wishes were and they were unable to tell us what his cognitive and physical ability would be if and when he woke up.
We asked our doctor what he would do… and he basically said that if it were his father he would give him the chance because there was a chance that he could mostly recover. So, we decided to do it.
I don’t remember how long he was actually unconscious, but it seemed forever. Then one day the hospital called my mom and said he was awake and talking. We all rushed to the hospital immediately and it was a true miracle. He was wide awake! He recognized all of us and was so happy and talking and laughing. We couldn’t believe it… the doctors couldn’t believe it!
My sister asked him where he had been. He said he had been flying. “Flying where” she said? “Out there”… and he pointed towards the window. “With who,” she said? He proceeded to name all five of his brothers and sisters that had already passed on and his mom and dad. He said it very matter of fact and was smiling from ear to ear. We were all crying with joy and completely amazed and in shock. It was truly beautiful…
He didn’t give a whole lot of detail past that. We told him what had happened and how worried we had all been about him and all of the people that were praying for him. He seemed peaceful and happy and very thankful. (I just realized I’ll fly away is playing in the background on radio as I write this…precious)
This only lasted a few hours… by that afternoon he couldn’t really speak anymore and never would again. He could understand you and would nod and point but couldn’t really talk or eat. Also, the stroke had left him with mobility in only one arm and he couldn’t move either of his legs.
He went through rehabilitation at the hospital and then at another facility for a few months and then came home. He made some progress, but he was never able to overcome any of the handicaps the stroke had left him with.
I took care of him for a couple of months at home but realized quickly that I was not equipped for the twenty-four hour care by myself. We eventually put him in a nursing home and he lived over a year like that.
Had we known the hell that he would have to go through, we never would have agreed to the feeding tube. But I also believe as I said earlier, God takes each soul at their most opportune time of salvation, and I believe he still had some things to work out with God before he could go. Everything happens for a reason and as it should.
Towards the end he had been communicating to my brother that he wanted to go. I had the power of attorney and hadn’t heard that from him and needed to know myself. I asked him, but to me he was mainly unresponsive at that time.
That night he ripped his own feeding tube out and threw it across the room. I got the message. It was pretty clear what his wishes were at that point.
They never put it back in and started to give him the morphine a few days later. Before that though, I was saying my goodbyes to him because they pretty much go into a coma after they begin the drugs. I was holding his hand and telling him how much I loved him when he glanced across the room.
His eyes got huge like a kid on Christmas morning that just suddenly got everything he wanted. He was squeezing my hand and had tears of joy. I couldn’t see anything there. I asked him who it was. He just looked at me and smiled and shook his head like he couldn’t tell me. I told him to go see them because he hadn’t been that happy to see me in a year! And, I would see him soon enough…
I was outside when my brother called to say that his heart had just stopped. A deer had come up in the yard and wasn’t ten feet from me. His heart started again, but I knew that deer was my dad or at least his spirit visiting me somehow. After his funeral, that same deer was in the backyard. I went and sat down on the grass, and he walked up to me and just stood there. Face to face for several minutes. It was precious and I knew a gift from God that everything was ok and he was at peace.
Closing on my dad… I believe God allowed him to talk to us in the hospital that day so that we would know where he was heading and where his soul was even when he was still trapped in this broken body on earth. Same for his vision right before his death. He was ecstatic to go where he was going. No fear anymore, just pure joy and happiness. His death was as gentle on us as it could be…
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My mom was grace itself… so giving and loving. She was bedridden and wheelchair bound for many years before she passed away. That would have put most people in a pretty bad mood. But she was always cheerful and thankful. Fun-loving and sweet until the very end. Her body just sort of gave out.
She had been in the hospital for an infection that made her septic. She went through a couple of surgeries, but it quickly became evident after a few weeks in the hospital, this was it.
I remember after my sister and I told the doctor that we were going to stop treatment and bring her home, we went back into her hospital room. She had been kinda in and out of real consciousness for the last few days.
My sister picked up a bible and started reading from Psalms 23. The Lord is my Shepherd… and with those three words my mom sat up in bed and said loud and clear “I shall not want”. With that little act we not only knew where she was going but how confident she was to get there. Again, peaceful and happy.
My mom’s death was perfect. I know that sounds crazy to say but it was, and she deserved it.
We brought her home on a Thursday. She couldn’t have solid food, but we could blend everything up for her. Everybody came out and started cooking all of her favorite things. She had a martini and a beer as were her favorites also.
Lots of coffee and sweets and lots of visits with family and friends. Everyone got to be with her and tell her how much they loved her and thank God she was conscious enough to say it back. Then Sunday after the last guest left, she just slipped off into heaven. It was a precious time… and as gentle as it could be.
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I had two dogs during this time, Zen and Gigi. These dogs were my rock through all of this. I never had children, so these were my kids. I loved them and clung to them.
I was living in Florida after my mom passed for a few months. My niece (who is only six months younger than me) and also my best friend lives there with her family. So, I went there to be near them.
Zen had an episode while we were there and was diagnosed with what they call old dog syndrome. It looked like a stroke, but they say dogs don’t have those.
I was still so broken from missing my mom that I couldn’t imagine losing him too. I prayed and prayed for that dog, and he did make a pretty miraculous recovery. God granted my prayer and some more time with my sweet Zen.
The following year I was visiting my niece again in Florida for her son’s graduation. Much of my family was there for the celebration. My ex-husband was taking care of my dogs for me. Zen got really sick again. And this time, he was beyond help and had to be put down.
I think God answered my prayer for more time with him, but also knew that I probably couldn’t handle putting him down. So, he took that burden from me and also put me with the strength and support of my entire family when the time came. It was still tough, but it was a blessing how it all happened. As gentle as it could be….
I still can hardly talk about Gigi. We were connected. She also had a close call while I was in Florida (a different time for the holidays with my niece and family). She got pancreatitis and ended up in the hospital. I felt that I was losing her.
Again, I prayed and prayed for her too because I loved her but also, I was not ready to be by myself. I told God he was going to have to replace her after all of my loss if he took her from me. Also, that I knew that He had the power to save her, and I was claiming it. In the same breath I knew she had to go sometime, as we all do, and I would need his help coping if that was his will. Thankfully she made a miraculous recovery also and I got some more time with her. God answered my prayers again. How sweet and loving He is…
When the time came, He took her slow knowing that I couldn’t take it all at once. She was sick for about a week and we tried everything to save her. The day before I had to put her down, He coordinated that my maid call me to come a few days early so the whole house would be clean for us to come home and spend the last night. It was right before Christmas so the maid coming early was a miracle in itself.
We got home that night to a clean house, and the internet and cable television were completely out. I don’t believe in coincidences. I call them Godincidences. I know this was for us to spend sweet, focused time cuddling together in bed for one last night. It was precious time…
The next day my sweet doctor put me in a room with her. There was a candle, and it was quiet and relaxing. I fed her a chocolate chip cookie, which she had never had and loved, and then she was just sleeping in my arms. The doctor came in and knelt to give her the shots while she was sleeping. I had a sweet peace about it even though I was broken hearted.
Again, God put me in a situation where I couldn’t just fall apart. I went home and had to cook and wrap presents because Christmas Eve was the next day. My entire family was coming to my house. Again, He made sure to surround me with family in my grief. He made it as gentle as He could…
A God Wink on these two… while I was living in Florida with them a major hurricane happened. Irma was gigantic and they ended up evacuating all of the Keys and Miami. Thankfully we got out just ahead of the crowds.
Long story short, we ended up in New Orleans to escape the storm. We were walking in Jackson Square and found a painting that is the spitting image of Zen and Gigi. You can see that painting below with a picture of the real-life Zen and Gigi so you can see how much they resemble it. People think I commissioned it, but I found it. And I knew it was a God wink for me, knowing I wouldn’t have these guys forever. What a sweet and thoughtful present from my Father…
Even more amazing… I was in Port Aransas and a storm was coming. This was after both of their deaths. I was waiting for my brother and his wife to get there and was just hanging out on the porch.
I happened to turn around and look at the sky and there was Zen. It was not only visually him in the clouds, but I felt that overwhelming love. I just burst into tears and yelled out loud, “Oh Zen!” I couldn’t believe it… I then remembered that I had my phone with me, so I took a picture. That is below with another shot of him for comparison.
Then, a few minutes later after that cloud started to dissipate and here comes Gigi with those unmistakable ears of hers! How precious of Him to show me that they were in Heaven with Him. That they were happy and whole and playing on the clouds.
I have no doubt, especially for you animal lovers, that He wanted me to show you this too. These beautiful signs so that you would know where your fur babies are. That rainbow bridge is fur real!
AND, even more amazing still… I didn’t see this till another friend brought it to my attention. But in the Jesus photo that is on the cover, you will notice that He is holding a dog. You guys, that is Gigi with those ears and exactly where and how I was holding her when she went to sleep. Now I know she left my arms and went to sleep in Jesus’ arms. How precious and gentle He is… What a gift.